Ad breaks are marked in the transcript below. The audio player uses the ad-supported feed.
previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Where do we stand? Lady Silverhand looks around the room and says,
well, that's everyone here. We're all following the actions that you have set forth.
Well, you guys want to go get drunk?
I mean, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good call.
Leosin, objective.
Yawning Portal, join us for a drink.
And I'm elbowing him a little bit.
Fuck yeah.
Is there anything that we can do for you in order to help you prepare?
I should go see my folks.
Well, it's been a while since you've been back there.
Yeah, but I guess if not now, when?
Leosin, I would love to go see my family too.
I haven't been home to High Forest in years and I'd love to see my brothers
and they probably, gosh, you know, I bet I have like a million nieces and nephews now.
Yeah, it's been a long time since I've been back to Mithril Hall, so
I guess in Thea's words, if not now, then when?
In the morning it shall be done.
I will send you to Mithril Hall, High Forest, and Silvery Moon.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast
and I'm your dungeon master Russ More and with me today is Amy More.
I am here today and glad to be here. I play Thea Amastasia.
And also with us, Carla Johnson.
That is me. Mostly glad to be here because I love you guys,
but I'm really sick so I'm going to complain the whole time.
I play Nulara Moonbrook.
And Tom Laird.
I'm super glad to be here and feeling good and I play Flynn Firebeard.
Guys, it's episode 70.
That's a lot of episodes.
We didn't even make any weird sex jokes last episode.
What kind of missed opportunity is that?
That's why Russ didn't tell us it was episode 69 exactly for this reason.
I think we should probably make a bunch of weird, fun sex jokes right now
and then Russ can just drop them into the episode.
I mean, to be fair, I don't remember, but we probably did make some sex jokes.
Just not like 69 specific ones.
I don't think we did. It was a Winter Solstice episode.
It was a wholesome episode.
It was grants-centric. It was very different.
Yeah, I know. Our characters weren't as dirty.
Because they were all like dead and above that.
You know? Sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
I guess it's just a missed opportunity, you know?
Well, I guess there's always 169.
Episode 429? That's so long.
So many years from now.
Oh, man.
Russ is super optimistic right now.
He's like, think about how.
Oh, my God.
It's seriously like years from now.
Yeah. Like, you know, 52 episodes a year.
We're at 70, so that's 122.
The math is going to break him.
174.
He's just holding up two fingers.
I don't know what he's going to make when he's counting with these two singular.
It's going to be like eight years.
Yeah.
Oh, is that all?
Seven and a bit.
Nothing. I'm going to be 40.
All right. Well,
if you want to see us in eight years, go over to Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And there you can join our lovely community
that will be lasting for for years and years.
If you can hear this.
No, your dollars at that point, though,
are going to be going toward like geriatric care and like home care services.
Some sort of Walker.
Appliances.
So, yeah, if you're listening to this in eight years,
that's if you're listening to this in 2026
and we're still putting out new episodes like tweet at us or something and say,
you did it or like whatever exists then.
Yeah. Yeah.
True.
Facebook, Discord server.
Whatever. I don't know.
That chip that's probably implanted.
Yeah. Direct instant message into your brain.
How far ahead do we think technology is going to be in eight years?
There's going to be flying cars.
There has to be flying cars because I thought there was going to be flying.
I've been saying that since the 70s.
Well, yeah, they're already way behind your flying cars.
Yeah.
So I guess, yeah, just tweet at us.
OK, when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you
randomly here and there.
All around the square.
And today's episode is dedicated to Rachel Johnson.
Yay, Rachel Johnson, that's the last name in the world.
What a coincidence.
Hey, by sheer volume of people who have that last name,
it is seriously like one of the best, most popular names.
There are lots of Johnsons within the Patreon community.
There are so many Johnsons.
All right, so that's all I got, I think.
What day is it today?
Well, it's Christmas Day.
You, you, the employee.
What day is it?
What day is it?
No, you know what day it is.
And this is why, no, that's not true.
That's next week.
Oh, OK.
I don't know what's happening.
Me neither.
I was just going to tee up to PodCon, but that's two weeks from now.
I mean, we're going to be at PodCon in two weeks.
That's pretty fun.
Wow, you could not have sound less enthusiastic.
I thought I had a good bit.
Yeah, PodCon is going to be great.
We're going to see Russ and Amy in person and it's going to be delightful.
It's going to be really exciting.
Get ready for hugs.
Get ready for hugs.
Oh, we're going to hug.
I mean, I guess there'll be hugs.
You're getting hugged, Russ.
If someone gives me a fucking one arm hug back pat, I'm going to be mad.
Oh, yeah, I know.
That's not going to do.
Full on.
Full on.
Hug like you mean it, people.
Linger just a little too long.
No such thing.
It's just like, well, I mean, there is such thing.
Like, if I were to caress the small of Tom's back, would that be weird?
I'm on board for it.
We're going to have matching, we're going to have matching shirts.
Are you ready for like the hug and sway then?
Oh, I love the hug and sway.
Yeah, I love the hug and sway.
What if I have like a like a response to.
All right, well, if someone does that, I'm going to do this.
Busting out the sway.
Yeah, just got to bump it up a level every time, I guess.
Every time.
Fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
OK.
No need to yell.
Do you want to play a game?
We criticize him for not showing any emotion.
Then he does and we cut him right back down.
Where he belongs.
We're the worst.
Sorry, Russ was playing.
I just have to.
You just started and I'm getting trapped right now.
Russ and Addy were playing like a game with like Legos and stuff.
And I'm listening.
I'm packing in the bedroom.
I'm listening to this very extreme like.
They have plots in their subplots.
It's the whole thing.
Russ uses character voices.
Anyway, apparently his character, I guess, kidnapped one of Addy's characters.
She wanted him back and he's like, do you want to play a game?
And there's just a pause and she's like, sure.
Why wouldn't I?
That's the whole idea here.
I'm a child.
I love games.
Let's play the game.
She was just like, yeah, OK.
So she hasn't caught up on all the Saw movie.
You know, we've only done Saw 1.
Would you like to play D&D?
Not anymore.
I'm good.
Over it.
This is just random chat.
Everybody went home.
They all had a great time.
Let's go die to a dragon.
OK, can we just do that?
I mean, if that was an option, I don't think we'd be 70 episodes into this.
You had been sent to your respective homes.
Sounds like we did something wrong.
You've been sent home.
Yeah.
You know what?
You guys, you weren't playing ball quite like they were looking for.
So they're like, no, you just you just you just go home.
Think about what you've done.
We'll catch up with you later after the end of the world, obviously.
Sure.
Yeah.
And you're doing that because you're going to go save the world.
Or try to.
Who got who got there first?
You did.
You got there first.
I did.
Are you sure?
I mean, are you sure I didn't stop along the way and meander?
No, you teleported.
How could you?
And we did a scene where you walked into Silvery Moon.
So, I mean, that's where we'll pick up is you walking through the front gates of Silvery
Moon, which is a large elven city within the the region of Faerun.
Sure is.
Yeah.
So what does the do when she gets to Silvery Moon?
Who's she there to see?
She's there to see her parents because we did not leave on the best of terms.
Frankly, I don't even think they had told her parents she was going
as far as they knew.
She was at the university and then she was not.
I probably left a scrawled note.
And what did the note say?
Probably said, gone fishing.
Be back in five.
She pulled a real Grancis.
The note said, this life isn't for me.
I can't ever be what you want me to be.
Something else that rhymes.
With B.
One day you'll see.
Sincerely, the.
Yeah.
It was, I can't live up to your ridiculous expectations.
I'd be better off anywhere but here.
Sure.
Not the nicest note.
And mind you, she-
Kind of a hurtful note.
Well, when she left, she's still kind of like a teen.
So how long have you been gone then?
I think I've been gone for probably 50 years.
You know, it's like that's like five Elven years.
Yeah.
No, that's that's fair.
Okay.
So where where are we going to find?
I guess what's the are you are you heading right there or what's the
what's the journey you take to get to your parents?
First, I'm going to head to my favorite tavern.
Stopping by the old haunts.
The Oinkin' Sparkle.
I love the name of this tavern.
You get to the Oinkin' Sparkle and it's just as you had left it.
The tavern keep Benson.
He kept it a real pristine since the last time you were there.
50 plus years ago.
And you enter and it's it's kind of midday so there's not a huge amount of people there.
Light lunch crowd in and you catch Benson helping a customer at the counter.
We do the thing where we lock eyes like the door swings open.
Here's the key and we lock eyes and it's like, ah, ah, yeah, and it's one of those.
See, it's been it's been so long.
I told you not to call me Benny, but okay, we can we can deal with it.
You love it, Benny.
And I run over and give him a hug.
He reciprocates the hug and the hug lingers just a little too long.
I rub his lower back because it just feels right.
And he just starts to sway.
That's how you do it.
He is into it.
He's here for it.
There's one of those like player pianos that starts going at that very moment in the
background.
Yeah, it's nice.
Quite sweet.
You know, I spent a lot of my time growing up like pubs.
Pubs in in at least Silvery Moon are more like British pubs.
So like they're really public houses.
There's no age limit.
They just don't serve alcohol to children, you know, whatever.
So I spent a lot of I've essentially grown up with Benny and I've like he's a guy
I would always run to and talk to about how shitty my parents are and how, you know,
one of these days I'm going to get out of here and I'm going to make a name
for myself.
So have you made a name for yourself there last?
You know, I think I think I might have.
Benny, I think I might have.
Good for you.
Good for you.
You know, you've been missed around here.
I don't believe that.
Well, you can believe what you will, but it's true.
How's mom and pop?
They were quite torn up.
See, you look super skeptical right now.
Yeah, you do.
They gave you a hard time there, but I think the time apart it does.
It makes the heart grow fonder, so they say.
But they've realized I think perhaps they were a little rough on you.
Well, I hope you're right because I don't know.
I don't know, Benny.
I guess I'm here to make amends.
You know, the end of the world might be coming.
Yeah, I hear there's lots of things going on.
Yeah.
So you just keep, you know, pouring your drinks and
take care of that crying dog in the corner.
I don't know why you let animals in here.
Well, it's, I mean, it's kind of.
It's unsanitary, Ben.
I get it.
I get it.
It's one of them shape shifting druids, though.
You know, they, he came in here and forgot how to change back.
Oh, God.
Got real liquored up on the old Elven wine.
Can I walk over to that person and help them change back?
Sure.
Okay.
I go over and I whisper into the dog's ear like,
now all you gotta do is just really deep down want to be a human again inside.
Go for it, buddy.
Dog kind of looks at you and cocks its head.
I look back at Benny.
I'm like, you motherfucker.
You're the sixth person I got this week.
Benny, I missed you, but I should probably go see my folks.
Can I have one for one for a little bit of courage?
Little liquid courage.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
He pours you one.
I drink three.
Whatever you were expecting.
Yeah.
Well, he knows my favorite.
What is it, Benny?
Do you remember?
Yeah.
It's the periwinkle tiger's tail.
Absolutely.
Sorry.
Hashtag periwinkle tiger's tail.
If someone could maybe like make a cocktail out of that,
I'd love to know what you'd put in it.
Yeah.
Maybe give a picture.
I think that'd be great.
Anyway, I drink my drink and I put way more gold down
than I should have because I have not paid for a drink at Benny's in many years.
So I put many, many a gold down and leave before he can say anything else
because he totally tried to sneak it back in my pocket.
That sneaky fuck.
He had like turned to go, you know, quickly help somebody else
and turns back and sees the money and says,
I think she still owes me 10 gold.
So where do you head off to?
Probably right.
Oh, well, I think I'm going to head home to the estate, I guess you could call it
because they're not technically royalty, but they are like.
Upper class.
Yes, they are an influential family.
So they're not like kings and queens.
They're more like barons and duchesses that know that's a duke and a duchess.
Who is with a baron?
A baroness.
Baroness.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, they're more like that level of family.
So still very influential.
And I go to the estate, but I don't go in the front door.
Oh, no.
I sneak in around back through the bricks that are strategically stacked together
that I unstack and then restack after I had through a hole in the brick wall.
This is how I used to sneak in and out of the house when I was younger.
And I scale up the side of the house and pop open the window.
It's loose as it's always been.
And I go into my childhood bedroom.
What do I see?
Oh, my God.
Did they convert it into a gym?
They converted it into a gym, didn't they?
No, it's actually.
It's just a barren room with a sex swing in it now.
Wrong room.
I get tangled in the pleather curtains.
It's bad.
I mean, if that's what you want, that's what we'll leave it as.
But I was going to say they left it as you left it.
Loses kind of its impact now that it's like a 50 shades of periwinkle up in there.
50 shades of periwinkle.
That's what my half of the story is called.
And by half, I mean third.
I walk around my room and, you know, when you see in the movie, someone
nostalgically walks through something, right?
They trail their finger along their stack of books and they pick up a teddy from my bed
and give it a little squeeze and just kind of look around.
And I'm filled with it's not like a happy it's not really nostalgia.
It's more like, wow, like I remember the feeling of just
not being able to wait to get out of this place.
As you're reminiscing on the good old days, not so great old days,
you hear footsteps coming up the stairs to the floor that you are on.
And you hear someone say, hello?
New Laura.
Yes.
You made it to High Forest.
I did.
And to your family's area, farm, compound.
Compound is probably kind of the right word.
Commune maybe?
You saw your brother, Verez, and he called out.
And now your entire family, all your brothers, their spouses,
and a bunch of kids have all come running out to greet you.
They're throwing questions at you like rapid fire.
Like, where have you gone?
Where have you been?
What have you seen?
What's going on here?
Oh, my God.
Well, I think that I probably have written home somewhat.
Um, probably not a lot because I don't know.
Sure.
New Laura's, you know, a loner.
But I think she's like sort of kept in touch with them a little bit.
So they've had kind of some idea what has been going on,
at least like the generalities that like they probably know who Thea and Flint are.
Like I've like told them that I've been, you know,
traveling with these people and some of the things we've been doing.
I bet you wrote about riding a dinosaur.
I bet I did.
And it'll be that.
It'll be like riding the dinosaur and the hippogriff, the flying castle,
but probably not really.
Yeah, like only like the cool stuff, not the dangerous stuff.
That tells me what to do.
Yeah, I stabbed a friend of mine in the fucking heart.
That just happened.
So I definitely haven't written home about that yet
because I can't imagine the mail system is particularly great,
especially when the world's like collapsing right now.
But yeah, so I feel like they sort of know some stuff.
We'll say probably the hippogriff is timeline wise,
the last one that you might have had time to actually get a note to them.
So that would have been a few months.
So yeah, that's cool.
Yeah, so it's very fun because of course,
so I have six brothers who all now have spouses.
One has a spouse that is a man, but the rest all have women's spouses.
So there's like a million kids around because they all have kids.
So lots of like meeting kids and holding babies and like,
it's just a lot of people, right?
You're shaking babies and kissing hands.
I'm on a real charm offensive with my own family.
It's good.
Okay, well, yeah, so the big initial reintroduction goes down
and then they disperse the kids to be like,
okay, give her some space and they bring you into like the main house
where you guys would usually have dinners.
It's the only house big enough to house all of them at one given time.
So they bring you in there and you sit down with,
let's say with all of your brothers as everybody else kind of goes off to
get things together for a big meal that you guys are going to have.
So you're sitting down with your brothers here.
How are you guys?
How are things here?
Have you, has it been dangerous?
Have you seen, the world's pretty messed up out there.
How have things been here?
Yeah, yeah.
Johnzik, we'll say he's your oldest brother.
He speaks up and he says,
yeah, no, we've been thankfully secluded from the bulk of what has been happening.
We travel in to town and the roads are more difficult,
but we've been careful enough to prevent people from finding out where our family is.
So yeah, we've been safe and we've been trying to be as safe as possible.
We don't break branches around here.
So, you know, we can be pretty sneaky.
Of course you don't break branches.
Come on.
I would never accuse you of breaking branches.
Who would do such a thing, right?
Well, I know some folks.
It's fair.
Thea and Flint, are they with you or are you guys coming through?
No, they've gone home for a quick visit as well.
Seems like things have maybe reached a head.
Okay.
Things are going to happen soon.
Big, big things.
Maybe world changing things.
So we all took a quick trip home to see the people we love before we
go off and, you know, try to fight a dragon.
Yeah.
Or stop a dragon from appearing.
We'll see what happens.
So you're a big part in what's happening?
Well, I guess, you know, my friends and I are working with the groups that are trying to
stop the dragon from coming.
So I guess, I mean, I don't, you know, I don't, I'm just one person.
So I'm not that important in the grand scheme of things, but
trying real hard to stop things from happening.
So, okay.
So they're sending, sending everybody home then.
Okay.
Okay.
You're, one of your younger brothers, because you're the youngest, right?
Yeah.
We'll say Rulin stands up and he's like, so hold on.
She, she gets to fight to save the end of the world,
but you won't let me go and join the rebels and do our part?
And John Zick kind of just says, not, not now, Rulin.
We'll talk about this later.
Noir's back.
Let's all just have a, have a good meal and just talk about,
talk about some good times right now.
Yeah.
I want to hear about what's been going on with you guys.
I mean, yeah, I got to ride some dinosaurs and okay, a dinosaur and, you know, flew
in a flying castle and wrote a hippogriff and did some cool stuff.
But what have you guys been doing?
I want to hear about it.
Grun speaks up and he's like, well, I mean, it's been, it's been pretty much business
as usual trying to, I guess not trying to, as you can see, we have a small army
of our own here now.
And it's just, you know, we've, we've been trying to keep the family legacy going
after mom and dad died.
And then, you know, a few years later you left and we've just been trying to keep
things as normal as possible for the kids and keep everybody safe and safe and secluded
as best we can cut off from what might happen.
There's some, you know, attacks in the nearby towns and stuff.
So yeah, we've been trying to keep it as normal as possible for the kids really.
Normal sounds good.
This was a, this was the best place to grow up and have a normal childhood.
So that's what I want.
That's what I want for all my nieces and nephews.
And hopefully, you know, we're going to stop this whole thing and it's going
to be totally fine.
Absolutely.
You can just keep on having a lovely normal life.
That's, that's what we're all hoping for.
You, you see Rulin kind of slam down the drink he's having, like noticeably
slammed down, like he's a bit of a drama queen.
And then he kind of gets up in a huff and storms out of the main hut that you're in.
Okay, I'm going to follow him.
John's looks at you and just kind of nods as you as you head off there.
You follow him out and he kind of goes off into the trees a little bit
and ends up at a place where you two would go and hang out.
I don't know, what would you, what would you two do there and where did he go?
It's a giant rock and we would climb to the top of the giant rock
and we would try to jump off silently.
And it was like our skill test to see how like quiet we could be in the forest
because it's quite a big drop.
And also, you know, we could just like chill out up there
and see if anyone was coming and have some privacy.
He goes up there and you see him kind of climb to the top of this rock
and he sits down and is looking out over the treetops that you can see there.
I'm going to climb up there too.
He turns and looks at you as you get to the top.
He's like, I heard you coming a while back.
Yeah, sure you did.
Sure you did.
I see that look on your face, a little surprised I snuck up on you.
Okay, so you got a little sneakier.
What's going on with you?
Well, I don't know.
It seems like there's a lot going on and we're just hiding in the trees.
Seems like there could be more that we could be doing.
But you have a family.
You want to leave your family to come fight evil wizards and dragons?
No, I don't want to leave my family to do that.
I want to make sure that they have a place to stay that's safe.
Well, that's what you're doing.
There's value in what you're doing here.
You're providing a good life for your family,
for your kids, for your nieces and nephews.
That's valuable.
And what happens if the people who are trying to stop these dragons and wizards
don't stop them?
Well, I don't know.
You want the real answer or the nice answer?
I think we can be real with each other, no?
Okay, well, if the bad guys win, you're going to be awfully happy to have had
every moment of peace and happiness that you could cram in before, you know,
the end of the world.
So it's pretty dire.
And you're closer to this than you're telling Johnzik and the others.
I'm pretty close to it.
My friends and I are pretty involved.
So how can I help?
I think you are helping.
Like I said, you're providing a good home and a good happy life for our family.
And I guess maybe think about if things go bad, maybe things will be untouched here.
It's possible.
And if that happens, then don't totally isolate yourselves from the world.
If you can help people, you should help people.
You know, don't risk the lives of our family.
But most people are good people.
So, you know, we don't need to be so isolated here.
Right.
Okay.
Feel better?
I mean, I just told you the world might end, so probably not great.
Good as one can feel when your sister who's trying to save the world
tells you that if it goes bad, it's going to go real bad.
Hey, we're really hoping it's not going to go bad.
I can tell you that.
We got a lot of good people, a lot of real wicked,
magic, cool, strong people working on it.
So, yeah, fingers crossed.
I think we'll leave it there.
You guys just looking out over the.
No way, man.
I jumped down so fucking silent.
He's amazed.
You just disappeared.
I wish I had feather fall or something I could cast, but I don't.
Flint, you had gone to the secret door to Mithral Hall.
Yeah.
You had made it into the under city, the main area of Mithral Hall,
gone through all of the Mithral Hall is built.
It's all a series of interconnected tunnels and as a web of.
Of ways that doors can get in and out, but it's also designed that way
to keep other people from getting out and having lived there for so many years.
You are well-tuned to know where to go, even after having been gone for so long.
You make it and you are overlooking under city.
What's Flint's first thought and first stop once he gets there?
What's Flint's first thought and first stop once he gets there?
First stop for Flint is the throne room wants to go pay his respects.
You head to the throne room.
It's often away from the under city a little bit.
It's a huge open cavern that is the entire walls of it are all intricately designed
and there's giant pillars carved into the walls and a giant throne at the far side of this room.
Is the king currently on the throne or is it empty?
King is not there at the moment.
Okay, Flint just kind of strolls in and has a bit of a look around
and kind of looks longingly up at the throne,
kind of does a little head bow and turns around and walks out.
You turn around and you make it back to the door.
You see a dwarven male looking down at a book
who kind of almost runs into you as you are exiting the throne room.
He kind of stumbles into you.
Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, no apology needed.
He kind of looks at you for a second.
Is there anything I can help you with?
I just thought if the king was around, I'd pay my respects,
but obviously I see he's not here.
No, yeah, he's been called to help get the military ready.
Big, big, big battles, big battles coming up.
Yeah, yeah, I'm very aware.
Yeah, yeah, obviously, obviously everybody's aware.
Yeah, no, he might be back later tonight if you're around.
You seem familiar.
I don't know, I've seen you around here recently.
Probably not, for a while here now, a couple years at least.
Flint, Flint Firebeard.
Firebeard, oh, Firebeard's boy.
Yeah, yeah, no, of course, of course.
He was a blacksmith, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, well, it's good to see you.
Are you going to be around long?
Not really sure, to be honest.
I think just a couple days.
Of course.
Kind of got some stuff percolating back with the old
Tiamat possibly rising real soon.
So I don't think I'm going to be around too long.
Yeah, no, of course, of course.
Okay, well, I've got to get this book back here.
You know, library, late fees.
Those late fees will kill you.
Right.
Death by a thousand cuts.
That's if you're lucky.
But yeah, say hello to your mother and make sure you give her a big hug for me.
Yeah, sure, will do.
He hurries off in the other direction.
Yeah, I'll make my way kind of back towards the under city there and make my way back
to my folks place.
You make your way through and the under city, it's always busy, but it's exceptionally busy.
Every every Smith shop, every person making armor or weaponry is working at full
tilt.
It's it's hot in there.
The furnaces are going at high heat nonstop.
And then the time you lived here, it was it was never this busy,
which is reflective of what you are currently going through.
You make your way down and around the the homes in the under city.
It kind of goes down a spiral down to the bottom of the under city pit.
And your your folks place is about two thirds of the way down.
And you you make it to the entrance to their house.
I do my patented cool guy knock on the door.
There's a there's a bit of a wait at the door.
And after a moment, you hear footsteps shuffling as they get closer and nearer.
And the door unlatches and it opens up and you see your sister, Hilda, she looks at you square
in the eyes and just her jaw drops.
She can't believe that she is seeing you.
Hey, hey, hey, sis.
Flint.
And she jumps at you and gives you a big hug.
And it's a it's a firm Firebeard embrace with a slight caress at the small of the back.
Always worse from a sister than a barkeep.
We thought the barkeep was awkward.
It's how you know you're a Firebeard.
You know, I kind of have the the wind knocked out of me and hug her back.
And it's real nice to see you too there, sis.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, it's it's been too long.
It's been too long.
And she kind of get steps back and releases you from from the embrace.
And you see she's kind of she's a little bit misty eyed.
And she says, come in, come in, come in.
And she opens the door wider and lets you in.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, we haven't we haven't cleaned up cleaned up here.
And my mom's just in the in the back there.
Yeah, I guess you you wouldn't know.
Why would you know?
You've been gone a long time.
Yeah, it's it's been too long.
Well, there's there's no easy way to tell you this.
Dad, dad passed away a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, how?
He.
We don't we don't we don't know exactly.
The doctor just said it was it was just old age and something something wrong with either his lungs or his heart or it's just something working, working in the for so long as as a black, you know, he's been working for hundreds of years and taking in.
Sure.
Taking in fumes and stuff and he it was just his just his time.
So it was it was quick.
He didn't suffer.
He was it was it was a while, but they were able to give him give him enough give him enough medicine that he didn't he didn't feel a lot of what was what was going on.
And and yeah, he went in his sleep one night.
How was how's how's mom holding up?
She's she's not she's not great.
It's it's been tough.
It's been tough on her and in me and it's been trying to trying to trying to get through as she kind of scurries around the room, cleaning up papers and mugs and tidying up as she's talking to you.
I I help her clean everything up.
You to put the room back into the best, much better repair than it was in previously.
And she says, Mom, Mom must be asleep.
But I should I should go I should go tell her you're here.
Are you staying long?
Are you are you back?
Are you what's?
Well, not back per se.
Just just for a visit for for a couple of days.
Why don't you let her sleep and I'll see what I can whip up in the kitchen.
We'll ever wake up to something good.
OK, OK, I might I might zip out and just run out and grab a few things if if you're OK here.
And I don't really want to surprise her.
I'll try and be as quick as I can.
She she went down for a quick nap.
It's not too long before you got here, so I'll be right back though.
OK, sure.
She quickly runs out, grabs her couple things, baskets and heads out,
closes the door behind her.
Flint ever so carefully tries to take out some some bowls and like a spice grinder
and various other things.
Flour mill, et cetera, and gets set up to make a sweet potato pie since it's his mom's favorite.
Well, hello there, my friend.
How are you?
It's me, your dungeon master, Russ More.
Thanks for joining us for episode 70 of Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're turning home.
I just want to say, as the DM of this crew, I think everyone did a beautiful job with this
and next episode, and we really hope you enjoy them, too.
It's been a super busy and fun week for us, though, and we're back in record ahead mode
as we're gearing up for PodCon, which is less than two weeks away at this point.
So that's super exciting.
There's going to be tons of awesome panels and shows that we'll be checking out.
We finally get to meet so many podcast friends who we've met and worked with
online over the last couple of years and now finally get to meet in person.
Yay!
And speaking of online podcast friends, you might have noticed,
if you were a part of our Facebook group or have us on Twitter,
that we have reworked our Facebook group, changed it up, as they say,
to now include a whole super group of actual play podcasts so that we can create a bigger
community to talk all about all of these great shows, conduct interviews of the DMs
and cast members, and also have a bigger crew to talk about D&D and tabletop RPGs with.
The new group is called the Reckless Play Guild,
and it includes the End of Time and Other Bothers, the Lucky Die Podcast,
and Dark Dice, and us.
So the Dumjins that were already members of the previous Dumjins Only group
are now part of this new group, and with all this rambling,
we just want you to be a part of it, too.
There are many other places you can find and interact with us here at D&D,
including on Patreon, Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon Cast,
where you'll become part of the inner sanctum of the Dumb Dragon Cast,
making the show better with each and every episode.
At just that dollar per month, you'll have access to a ton of monthly bonus episodes,
exclusive channels on our Discord server,
as well we recently started releasing the Skype calls of us recording and playing the game.
Unedited, all the goofs, bathroom breaks, and dog farts that you can handle
are available to Patreon only.
We don't take you to the bathroom, but we talk about other things
while somebody else goes and does that.
Again, that's Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon Cast,
and we hope to see you over there.
The next episode will be out next Wednesday, January 16th.
So with that, let's get back to these lovely home episodes,
have a great week, we'll talk to you soon.
Do I recognize the voice that's coming in the hall?
It sounds like your mother.
Um, for a minute, via panics, like, like, like, she's not supposed to be in there.
Um, but.
Hello?
Uh, I, I open the door into the hall.
The, the door opens and you see the woman who was coming up the stairs and she jumps,
like she's, didn't expect anyone to actually be up there,
thought it was just a thump of, you know, house settling.
Um, thousand year old house is settled.
It's fine.
Those elves houses take a long time to settle.
Long time, you know, um, and she looks at you and says, Oh, uh, Thea.
Hi, mom.
What, when, what, what are you, what are you doing?
What are you doing here?
Just thought I'd stop in.
She, um, looks like she's struggling with how to feel right now.
You see her kind of get like a stern face and she furrows her brow.
Like, yeah, go on.
And as you brace yourself for, you know, the lecture or reprimand that you think you're
going to get her face softens and she begins to cry and she rushes to you and gives you
a big hug.
Oh, he was not expecting this.
So she like, I don't know.
Like she, I don't think she's ever really felt warmth from her parents.
I think she can probably count on one hand, the amount of hugs she actually had.
Um, and so she's a little taken aback and does like the little like,
Oh, don't, don't cry, mom.
Pat, pat, pat on the back.
It's just, it's just, it's just, you've been gone for, for so long.
And I mean, you never wrote to us to tell us where you were.
And I mean, you wrote to master Carlisle and, and, and, and told him where you,
I mean, he told us, told us some of what you, you wrote.
I don't know how much he told us, but.
How can you, how, why did you leave and not tell us where you were going?
Well, I don't expect you to understand.
I never fit in here.
I was never enough for you and dad.
What are you talking about?
Oh, don't, don't do that.
You know what I'm talking about.
Why did you ship me off to the university?
But I mean, you were wasn't a choice I made difficult to deal with you.
Well, I left because you and pop are difficult to deal with.
Listen, I wanted to become my own person.
You two cast long shadows here.
There's no way I could live up to the expectations you had.
It wasn't what I wanted for my life.
You didn't care.
You never listened.
If I told you I was going, you would have told me not to.
Probably would have made sure that I couldn't.
I didn't tell you where I was, so you wouldn't come and get me.
Yeah, you're right.
What?
We didn't know how to deal with you.
You weren't.
I don't want to use the word normal, but you weren't.
What?
What?
You weren't what the books said you were supposed to be.
I'm sorry.
Did you make me from a cookbook?
Did you follow the recipe completely and yet I still turned out burnt?
I mean, you were baked.
Often.
All the time.
All the time.
I could smell it on you from down the block.
We shipped you off because we couldn't.
We just didn't have the understanding to deal with it.
And I'm sorry.
We shouldn't have.
We should have known more.
We should have tried harder.
We should have done better.
And maybe you wouldn't have run off and done.
I don't even know where you've been.
You shouldn't be sorry.
Everything that has happened to me has led me to where I am right now.
And it's a pretty important place.
You hear the front door to the house open.
Shit, is that dad?
Similar.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell him.
I'm here.
A very familiar footstep into the house.
You hear from from down the steps, Mitzi!
Mitzi, where are you?
Just a second.
I'll be right down.
What do you mean, don't tell him?
No, sorry.
That was just, you know, snap refLex.
There's someone here, dear.
Are you all right?
Should I call the police?
Knock twice if you're being attacked.
No, I'm fine.
This is weird.
Why doesn't he come up?
You know.
What if I were attacking you, Mom?
What the hell?
You know your father.
He's.
He's.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
He's he's difficult.
You should chip him off to university.
Did me wonders.
And I start down the stairs.
Boom.
Walked right into that one.
Dropping bombs.
New Laura.
Oh, he's had enough of me.
And on the sass.
I like it.
So you have, I assume you've done a little bit of running around through the woods and
then head back to the to the to your compound?
Yeah, I think so.
Like we kind of hang out and just like chill, like push each other a little bit.
You know, sibling stuff, especially because we were the closest, I think.
If we had a secret hiding spot together, we were obviously close.
And then, yeah, go back and kind of, you know,
help get ready for that nice big first meal.
I think normally all those families don't all eat together every day.
They all have their own homes, but probably like once a week they do.
But since I'm there, it's a special occasion.
I think maybe what happens at dinner is that one of the brothers or maybe
one of the older nieces and nephews has heard the words Decimator of Dragons.
Have they heard the song, maybe?
And they, yeah, probably that makes sense.
And they all think that's real fucking funny.
Like they are not impressed at all.
They're totally like just.
Auntie New Laura, you think you're so cool, but you're not so cool.
I mean, the kids probably think it's cool, but like my brothers and their wives and husband,
like they're part, like they're just like, oh my God, like I'm their baby sister.
They think this is just like, so they're like ribbing me pretty hard about like
just being dumb, you know, like this is the Decimator of Dragons, want some more potatoes.
And I sort of hate it because I, of course, like want them to be proud of me,
but I obviously am like trying so hard not to react because the last thing you want to do
is like give your siblings the satisfaction of knowing that they're getting under your skin.
I've only been back six hours, guys.
Fuck.
I will decimate these fucking potatoes.
Thank you very much.
Exactly.
So it's just kind of like, you know, I've come home, nothing's changed.
They are totally like not really that impressed with me.
Yeah, no, I like that.
I think probably after dinner, after everything's all cleaned up,
the nieces and nephews have been sent off to bed reluctantly.
They go and you're sitting around, sitting around a fire with a couple of your brothers,
maybe John Zick and Belure.
So Decimator of Dragons, I know we were kind of bugging you about that there, but
like, are you really decimating dragons?
Well, I mean, what am I going to say, you guys?
You're going to tell us everything.
She's not decimating dragons.
No, no, we haven't done great against against a dragon.
If I'm going to be totally honest, we're really going to try to stop the rise of Tiamat.
But I mean, my friends and I have faced a few dragons.
Hasn't gone great.
I mean, the one time we had dragons on our side, so that one was pretty good.
That sounds more helpful.
Some pretty cool dragons that are like the good guys.
So that was terrifying, but impressive.
But yeah, I mean, I don't know, we've done some good work, but let's say the songs maybe
was a little overblown when it comes to decimating dragons.
But, you know, we've fought some big, awful nasty creatures and brains and jars
and the whole gamut.
All right.
Well, as long as we know that, you know, you're not putting yourself in too much
danger, then I guess we can get on board with this or lock you in the cellar again,
like we did when you were eight.
I mean, I can handle myself pretty well.
She says with confidence as she fucking makes her sword break into flame.
Yeah, how far do they have to push you before you pull that thing out and you're like,
you want to go?
You want to see what I can decimate?
Hold on.
Did everybody go back with like full armor and weapon regalia?
I did.
I mean, I assume probably just because like the world's a dangerous place right now.
Sure.
Gear on me.
Yeah, that's cool.
You never know what your DM is going to throw at you.
Nothing.
So your brothers, they get up from the fire and say, well, are you around for tomorrow?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll be here tomorrow.
You bet.
Okay.
Well, we're going to head to bed and you got a room there still.
Make it yours and see you in the morning.
Okay, guys.
It's good to be home.
Good to have you back.
They head off to bed.
You do the same.
You betcha.
You climb into bed and as you begin to drift off, you hear a voice.
Well, this is a new place.
I think it's time.
Flint, you've been whipping up some deliciousness there.
Sweet potato pie, I believe is what you said.
You're damn right.
Fargram's very own recipe.
Beautiful.
You managed to get most of it put together and into the oven and your sister,
Helge, she comes back through the door, rushed full basket full of some groceries
and other things for the house and she looks at you and looks around.
She's not awake yet.
I don't know.
I haven't heard a peep.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
Thank you for being here.
Smells delicious.
Is that the delicious sweet potato pie that we haven't had in so long?
Yeah, it was dad's favorite one to make, so I figured it was fitting.
Okay.
Well, I'm sure mom's going to love it.
She begins putting some...
The orbs don't really have flowers.
She begins putting some dried shrubbery out around the house.
I don't know, it's underground.
There's no sign why you don't put live flowers down there.
You hear the door open to your mom's bedroom and she is in her robe.
And steps out into the main room and just kind of looking down at something
and she says, Helge, what are you making?
It smells delicious.
And she looks up and sees you and immediately starts crying.
I dust the flower and things off my hands and I rush forward
and give her a big old fire beard style hug.
You give her the biggest hug and you feel her
and she feels like she's kind of gotten thinner over the last little while.
At least since the last time you saw her,
whenever that was, quite a while ago.
But you can tell that the grief she's been going through
might be taking a toll on her own health.
And she's sobbing in your arms.
I just hold her.
A good moment goes by.
She collects herself and steps back and says,
Flint, it's good to see you.
I assume Helge has mentioned the news.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Helge filled me in.
Sorry, it's not better circumstances, mom.
I only wish it was a few weeks,
but I know you guys didn't really get along very well.
But he would have loved to have seen you.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, we didn't.
We weren't the closest when I was younger,
but yeah, it's a shame I never got to say goodbye.
It is.
How long are you here for?
Just a couple days, I think.
Well, it looks wonderful in here.
Thank you for tidying up to you and Helge.
Well, I mean, I did most of the work,
but I say with a smile.
She chuckles and says,
Come sit down. Tell me where you've been
and what you've been doing.
I mean, the last we saw you,
you joined some military group or something
going off to fight battles bigger than yourself.
What are you doing now?
What brings you home?
Yeah, it wasn't long for the mercenary outfit
that I joined.
It kind of changed hands a couple times,
and well, it wasn't really what I'd originally signed up for.
So I paid my way out with the savings that I'd had,
and I'm adventuring with a couple real good friends of mine right now.
I got an elf and a human that I'm hanging around with.
You would hang out with an elf and a human, wouldn't you?
Well, you know, I always had a soft spot for elves.
Yes, yes, you did.
I always wanted to be an elf swinging in a tree.
Hammocks.
You know, the thing about hammocks, too.
I love hammocks, but they're just not made for dwarfs.
I tried to tell you.
I mean, we even installed them and you had such a hard time with it,
but you're like, no, no, we'll get it.
Well, I thought I would learn,
but it's a lot trickier than it appeared.
Yeah, you just need to have an extra three feet on your legs
and away you go.
I mean, that would look really weird if I had legs that were
an extra three feet long, but I hear you.
Yeah, I hear you.
Well, you're being safe then,
and you're surrounding yourself with good people.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they're the best.
Good.
Even that goblin we had with us for a while was pretty great.
Goblin?
What is happening?
Hey, you'll take any sort of help you can get when you're out there.
I suppose.
I wouldn't know, but I'll take your word for it.
I better go grab that pie before it starts burning.
You pull it out of the oven and get everybody seated down at the table
and you all sit around for a lovely meal, the three of you.
Okay, so previously.
On Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Thanks for the clean edit there.
I'll just plunk that into the current one.
I think he's being sincere.
Dig at me?
I don't know.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
What are you making that face?
Is this a dig at me?
Are you taking a dig at me?
He just stares at him for like 30 seconds.
Thanks for the clean edit.
Dead eyes, just dead eyes looking at me like.
I was being helpful.
I don't know how I'm going to edit this.
You're not.
You're going to do a release.
Nope, that's not what's going to happen.
That's how I plan on speaking for the rest of the time.
So previously.
Sounds right.
Hashtag, hashtag, periwinkerstigertail, please.
Amy's almost threw a periwinkle tiger's tail in real life, so.
A little pet behind the curtain.
Amy immediately looked at her three quarter empty bottle of alcohol.
It's my first three quarter empty alcohol bottle.
Pick up a teddy.
Shut up.
Might be dying.
Uh, you saw your brother.
Fabrier?
Fabries?
Fabries.
Fabres.
Varez.
Varez.
Varez.
Sorry, yep.
Me save.
Go and fight with these, with these.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Rebels?
Rebels.
Heroes, Russ, we're heroes.
Cavaliers.
Right, yeah.
Dad left or died.
Not left.
Didn't go anywhere.
They just left.
They were like there's too many of you.
Fuck it.
They went to a farm where they get to run.
They went to a farm?
Not this farm though.
They went to a different farm.
A different farm.
Just for the parents.
Jumps at you and gives you a big hug.
Which knocks you down into the undercity and you're falling down.
We fall to our death, yep.
Hello.
Ghost mom.
I've been drinking early apparently.
Hello.
She's very chill if she thinks it's a burglar.
Master, what's the dude's name?
Splinter?
No, not Benzene, Master Splinter.
No, you're a university guy.
Yeah, I know.
I was trying to subtly get it in there.
I was trying to like.
You were trying to inception me.
Sort of.
Like you was trying to subliminally make it Splinter.
What are your parents' names?
Oh, they're like stupid rich people names like Mitzi.
Apologies to any Mitzi's who might be listening.
Yeah, apologies to you Mitzi.
Sorry.
I'm sure you're lovely.
I'm sure you're not a stupid rich person.
It's just the first rich person name that came to my head.
And Farnsworth.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.